As with every generation, mothers and daughters share a special bond.
Though one is not quite a woman and one, in many ways, is still no
longer a girl – they each bear the qualities of each other. Little
girls want to grow up fast, and dear sweet moms want to regain their
youth. Mothers also know how important it is to be a good role model
for their daughters.
So, with only the best of intentions, moms
and daughters travel their journeys through life. It is every mother's
hope that their daughter grow to be strong, independent, caring, and
giving. A mother's dream is to enjoy the fruits of her labor (no pun
intended) …to know that her daughter is happy, confident, and kind to
all. There are many detours and roadblocks along the way, but you can
overcome them using these four building blocks to obtain and maintain a
relationship with your daughter that will last a lifetime! Because of
your efforts in developing this relationship now, not only will you
enjoy a close unique friendship with your daughter, you will also pass
on to her the wonderful gift of future strong relationships with her own
children. Really, what can be more important and rewarding than that?
Not much, it ranks right up there at the top!
Life is based on
building blocks. Relationships, too, are based on the same. Given the
tools, you can build yours strong…strong to last the bumps in the road
and the trials of life. A strong foundation provides the anchors to
weather any storm. It's never too late to begin. With each new day
comes renewal, forgiveness, and a positive step towards building once
again.
BLOCK #1…TRUST. Without trust, any relationship doesn't
stand a chance! Trust often is confused as a "given". A God given
right! As a loving mother, your daughter has grown to trust YOU. She
knows you will pick her up when you say you will. She knows that she is
cared for and provided for by YOU. Your daughter also knows your love
is unconditional and that regardless of her doings, you'll be there.
She might get yelled at, but she TRUSTS you above all. Realize that YOU
have earned her trust through word, credibility, and actions.
How
about her perception of earning trust? Each young lady must understand
that TRUST is earned. The same way YOU earned her trust in YOU! Ask
yourself: Why is it that sometimes we feel the need to accredit our
children with attributes that should be earned? Our daughters need to
understand that trust is patient. The small steps/small rewards process
is a journey to gaining their independence. They need to take
responsibility for earning the trust, and guarding it dearly, as one of
the most valuable aspects of your shared relationship. When you, as her
mother, make this important, it becomes important.
There are
five steps to establishing trust between a mother and a daughter. Each
important and well guarded. They include: HONESTY; AWARENESS; FOLLOW
UP; CONSEQUENCE; and finally, PRIVILEGE. Knowing each of them and how
to apply these steps to a working relationship is key in maintaining a
loving relationship.
BLOCK #2…COMMUNICATION. Funny when our
children are born, we seem so in tuned to their needs. We know the
difference between a hungry cry and a mad cry. We can sense the slight
mood change and worry for hours that there is a cold coming on. As our
little girls grow, we teach them to talk. We repeat sounds and clap for
joy when they say "ball" and "Mama". We are elated to know that our
little girls are on their way. We pay close attention to all of their
needs and kiss them softly and quietly goodnight.
Just because
we teach language, an ensemble of "sounds" does not mean we teach
communication. Communication as defined by Webster is: an act of
transmitting OR an exchange of information or opinions. Think about
this, "an act of transmitting" which can mean giving orders, commands,
and/or instructions. This of course is necessary at times. It means we
mean what we say – and do it! No questions, no discussion. This form
of communication is certainly acceptable and appropriate at times.
Taking the other side of the definition, "an exchange of information" we
understand this to be a form of exploring another's opinion, thoughts,
and logic. This too is very important. As a matter of fact, this is
the foundation of effective communication involving two people.
When
does it start? As our girls learn their words at the age of 2, they
also begin to learn communication skills. These skills are mostly
taught by our physical reactions and not our verbal capabilities.
Physical reactions involve the delivery of our words, the tone
of our voices, and the actions of our body. It is not about getting
through – it's about logical reasoning and openness to understanding
another human being. Since your daughter has already achieved a level
of trust in you, she will embrace your skills of communication if
delivered in a manner that support her best interests without
threatening her own desires. YOU, as the parent, are in control at all
times. YOU just need the tools to help educate your daughter on the
ways of the world. With these tools and exercises, you are able to
begin to lay the strong foundation of open-minded, free exchange of
information without losing your position of authority. Remember
communication can be a "two way street" or a single command. Your
choice, your control.
BLOCK #3…EFFECTIVE LISTENING. Now that we
have defined communication, I urge you…don't spend too much time
talking. Teach by actions as well! How? It's easy…(once you understand
how). Spend a lot of time listening!!! Effective listening provides an
avenue showing insight into your daughter's life. There is so much you
can learn by listening and observing. Listening not only involves what
your daughter says, it involves what others say too. This includes her
friends, teachers, enemies and anyone she has contact with. I'm not
suggesting you spy or have "reports back". Just listen – you'll learn
more than you can imagine. Listening is a skill. Creating environments
of opportunity is what you want to do. For example…Car pools are
painful to be sure, but when you pick up a bunch of her friends, keep
the music to a soft level - don't talk – just listen! The girls will
be open with their chatter and you'll be able to interpret not only the
quality of her friendships, but the collective views of the group. This
can be very valuable in future conversations you may have with your
daughter. It's also a great way to get to know her friends! Subtle
suggestions from your side will have a better impact if you are more
informed...remember what you learned regarding communication…Since your
daughter has already achieved a level of trust in you, she will embrace
your skills of communication if delivered in a manner that support her
best interests without threatening her own desires. YOU, as the parent,
are in control at all times.
BLOCK #4…LETTING GO. Letting go is
the ongoing process we all deal with. When, how, just enough, not too
much. Knowing when to allow your daughter to find her way and knowing
when to hold her hand and guide her. There will be times when your
heart breaks for her, when you want to take her pain, her place, her
path – but the same lessons we've learned, so too shall they. We realize
we can't (and should not) always shield her from everything. If you
think about it, looking back on our own life – some of the most painful
situations taught us the most powerful life lessons. Whether that was
empathy and compassion for others, or our ability to forgive and move
on; whatever crisis we face we have a choice – We can choose to be
"bitter or better". It's a choice. In being there for your daughter,
while letting go you provide the strength she'll need to stand on her
own. Through pain we grow and through growth we become whole.
Sometimes there are no words, sometimes silence and solidarity speak
louder than any great speech. If you have built upon the three previous
blocks, letting go will be a natural process of love. There is no fear
where love dwells. Your goal is accomplished – you have the strong
foundation for a lifelong, healthy relationship with your daughter.
Being
there involves just that…being there as a friend, a parent, a role
model, a mother. Learning today how to build and enjoy a
mother/daughter relationship is the best gift you will ever give to both
yourself and your daughter. This is a gift that can be passed down
from generation to generation, building stronger and deeper each time.
Learning
about enriching your relationship with your daughter is one of the most
valuable educations you will ever do for yourself. The building blocks
can show you the way. From beautiful baby girl in your arms, through
the turbulent teens, the age of independence and self discovery, to
watching her gain total confident independence. Your reward is knowing
that your job of parenting has now become your fruit of friendship.
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